THE JOURNEY

The most difficult aspect of Alopecia Areata, Totalis and Universalis is the overall sense of powerlessness brought about by sudden, physical change. We are constantly bombarded by ads promoting the latest in shampoo and hair treatments. They tell us that great hair equals great beauty. Late night television is inundated with thirty minute infomercials boasting the newest in hair transplants and gimmicky growth meds. When these fail to work, we are made to feel like outcasts in our hair obsessed world. In public, we encounter stares. Life can feel lonely even with the support of loved ones.

Eventually, we learn to adapt and appreciate beauty beyond the confines and restrictions of hair. But longing for an emotional vacation, we still wonder we are singled out. Are we being punished? Celebrated? Gifted?

I first embarked on this journey twenty-three ago as a shy and introverted child. Perhaps this was life’s answer to my early questioning of purpose. I struggled with fitting in and the “why me?” questions early on in my childhood. Although you don't see it as such at the time, self-blame soon becomes apparent. You vow to be the "perfect child" in hope of reversing the life changing condition. But after the multiple treatments and weekly doctor visits prove to be fruitless and tiring, you resign yourself to accepting what appears to be an irreversible spell. Wigs become the more viable option allowing you to experience a world of choice as if reclaiming the power lost with the hair. Initially, wigs gave me the "emotional vacation" I longed for by allowing me to “pass” in public. I had hair to brush and care for like my peers and could resume my life. But as I got older, I started to outgrow the wigs; feeling that they were obscuring a rich part of my identity. As a classical singer, I was finding it harder to perform under the auspices of my disguise. The weight of my emotions was taking its toll. I wanted to be free but I didn’t know how. With every new wig (more advanced than the last), I felt as though I was getting closer to "passing" and reclaiming my power. But this new “power” came at a hefty price. A false sense of confidence was allowing me to slip further away from who I really was. I hit a major turning point in my young life after waking up to a most powerful and prophetic dream. A dream filling me with confidence and a sense of purpose. It was saying “face the fear and do it anyway.” After twelve years in wigs, I was ready to show the world that bald is beautiful. For the first time in my life, I had the answer I had always been looking for. My voice was big enough for the world: I just had to be willing to share it.
In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, “I want freedom for the full expression of my personality.” Since that powerful day, I continue to live the dream. I hope that my journey offers hope to others struggling with life altering conditions. 
                                                          -Margaret H Baker